Memories.

Do you know how a particular smell can take you right back to a certain place and time? Today Carsten asked for strawberry milk...

(Well he actually always calls it raspberry milk for some reason. I say "Don't you mean strawberry?" and he laughs and says "Ya, the pink milk!") :)

So I poured the milk and opened the mix. I got a little whiff of that pink powder and was transported back in time to my Grandma and Grandpa's kitchen when I was a little girl, not much older than Carsten, staying on night with my brothers.

Please know my Grandma is the best cook I know. There are many food smells that take my mind straight to her and most of them are homemade, with love being the main ingredient. But just a tiny little bit of that Nesquik and my mind was right back there, looking up at her as she stirred my milk from white to pink. Carsten quickly grabbed the cup from my hand and was off to play, but for a few moments part of me was still there...in my Grandma's kitchen with no cares in the world.

It's not always a smell. Sometimes its a song. Or being at a particular place. Something that unleashes the flood of memories in your mind and no matter how long its been you are right there again, experiencing those emotions anew. It can be positive things, but also hurtful. I have so many different ones that I can pinpoint throughout my childhood. After stirring that milk this morning it got me thinking, what will my children's be? What things will take them right back to their childhood? And will the good outweigh the bad?

Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed when I really sit and think about the magnitude of responsibility it is to raise a little person from birth til they are out on their own. There are so many books, styles of parenting, classes, etc. that tell you the perfect way to raise children. What you should and should not do to ensure that they turn out "normal" and won't hate you forever once they become a teenager. Yikes. For me it is a battle between being the relaxed parent, yet enforcing guidelines, to the perfectionist wanting to give them every experience possible. And I'm only four years in!

I can't live my life trying to ensure that every memory my child has of their childhood will be picturesque and perfect. That will just stress me out. At the end of the day I can't dwell on the fact that I lost my patience at one point and forget about the sweet moments I did have. I can only give it all to God - including my children - and do my best with His divine help. They are His before they are mine. And they are only "mine" for such a short time, really. So yes, while once in a while I worry if my sons will always think I'm the greatest mom - I don't ever allow myself to spend too much time on that thought. Because I know the enemy feeds on my insecurities and I can't allow him even a bit of a foothold there. I have a job to do. It pays in slobbery kisses, temper tantrums, long days, late nights, sweet smiles, dirty diapers, piles of laundry, precious I love yous, laughter, hugs, and so many memories.

One day in the future Carsten may be stirring a glass of strawberry milk for his son or his daughter. They will be off to play and he will be standing in his kitchen, looking out the window and back in time with a memory of his Mama playing in his mind that feels so real its almost like he could reach out and touch me at twenty-five with his four year old hand.

Oh how I pray the memory is sweet...as sweet as raspberry strawberry pink milk.